Beautiful Storm

My hot summer love...

This must be wrong...cause it feels so damn right
Hot balmy days lead to warm and sticky nights
I feel the warm air brush against my face....the humidity of the night dampens my skin
Engulf me in your warmth...your whispers tickle my ear from within
I close my eyes gently, and open my arms wide
Waiting...
Wanting...
Needing you...I need you to take me...take me away...take me inside
I turn my face to the sky listening for your voice
So beautiful as it strokes my eardrum...every one of my senses rejoice
The city gets quiet..tell them that you're near...let them know you're here for me...
And I'm here for you...intertwining mentally, and emotionally...however you'll have me
I feel your presence...I can smell your sensual smell even before you arrive
Oh I've missed you so much...this feeling inducing hives
Are those your tears of joy? I felt one land gently on my nose...
I'm happy to see you too...as always...even the most foolish knows
Dark clouds form around us as I wait for you to enthrall me...
Take me...grasp hold of me....don't let me go...seduce me...
So many sensations run all throughout my body...my heartbeat soars
Your gentleness leaves goosebumps all over me...leaving me wanting more
Sometimes its nice to tease...but not now...I want to succumb to you....
I want for you to take me...and I'll do whatever it is that you want me to do
I hear your wonderful voice as it crackles throughout the night sky...
Please part your lips and tell me whats on your mind...no need to be shy
"Tell me what you want...tell me what you need..."
"Everything that you give, tenfold you shall receive..."
My hands clinch tightly as your voice sends chills down my spine
Tickle my flesh...I'm always here for you...forever for all of time
Your whispers become louder...moans and yells in my ear
Release your anger and let me feel your ecstasy, with me you have nothing to fear
Rain down on me....let your love rain down on me
Let me feel your wetness as it moistens and drenches me
Tell me that you want me...tell me that I'm all you'll ever need and more
Tell me that this is for real, as I taste your downpour
I want to feel you all over...let your love come down
Your voice is so loud, but I can understand and hear you without you making a sound
Our interaction with one another is enough to make the globe shake
God definitely broke the mold when he made you...and He never makes mistakes
Soon the clouds pass...and eventually the sky clears
And the only thing on my mind is that I want...no...I need you near
I need to feel your drizzle...I need to see your lightening strikes
I need to hear your thunder...I need for you to keep me up all throughout the night...
But you leave me...as the high pressure sets in
And I'm left all alone, wondering when I'll be able to see you again
Days go by...the driest of droughts set in
Where did my beautiful storm go? Will she ever come back again...?
As my world crumbles, and that sadness sets in without hesitation...
I turn on the tv to hear...

..."tonight, there's a 100% chance of precipitation"

Video Post of the Day: SWV - Rain
Classic music....

Relationship Suicide

"The easiest thing in the world is to love you and the hardest thing in the world is to lose you" - Suicide by R. Kelly

Relationships are like a delicate flower...it takes alot of love and care to maintain them. They need so much to survive...you have to water them, prune them, take care of them in the bad times...but when they blossom...its a beautiful thing. I can't speak on anything but my own experiences, but I've seen relationship suicide, and the aftermath isn't pretty. It's never a win win situation. So without going further, let me repeat that I can only comment on things I've been through, and I'm by no means saying that I have all the answers, because I don't. Just be careful and watch out for the things that I've missed or chose to neglect.

Relationships have to be built on a foundation of trust. Without trust, your relationship is doomed to fail from the start. If you can't trust the one that you're with...who will you trust? You can't possibly open up to someone and give them your all if you don't trust them with your heart. I didn't trust her with my heart for obvious reasons, and those small problems compounded into much larger ones later on down the road. I don't like delving in too deep into the past, but to fully understand, you have to know the situation. I told her that I wasn't planning on having sex until I knew it was right, and it had to be with the right person. At first it was until marriage...but I that sounded so weird to me...and I thought that if it was with the right person, we were gonna get married anyway. So she kept pressing for like 5 months. I thought about it, and I was like...things are going great and I could see myself with her like that, so I should. I gave up what little I had close to me, only to later find out that she was sleeping with someone else. I should've wrote her ass off right then and there...but she came to my dorm begging and pleading that if I gave her another chance that things will be different...I forgave, but never forgot. And she never ever earned that trust back, no matter how hard she tried.

That led to me being so closed off...I would just be quiet around her and just not look at her. I was so mad...like my face was burning hot just at the sight of her...and I was mad that I still had such strong feelings for her. I never trusted her again...I may have gave her the impression that I did, but I know I never did. So...you have to have trust...that's major.

There has to be a give and take. I gave and I gave and I gave....and got so little in return. Everything seemed to always be about her, and never about me. I had to go to this thing and that thing with her, but she would never do anything that I wanted to do. I went to plays and musicals and all of that...but we would never go to games or anything that I wanted to do. Whenever she came over, she had control over my tv...always. I could be watching the game...THE GAME and she would turn to some desperate housewives or some shit. Now, if anyone knows me...you never ever turn from my game...whether basketball or football. I suggested having a picnic, and she said it was stupid and complained the whole way to the point where I just didn't want to go anymore. Everything that I've tried she shot down and made me feel stupid for even suggesting it. So it got to the point where I was like why bother...why bother trying if she's going to cut down everything I say or do?

And then there's the not talking thing. We talked and chit chatted...but we were talking without talking, if that makes sense. All the things that should've been said, we glossed over and swept it under the rug as if it would go away. It never did. It stayed there and festered, and grew into bigger problems. Then we would have heated arguments about the stupidest things...like why I would always go to the gym at night...or why I was always busy and yada yada. We didn't talk about the real shit, like how she was getting on my nerves and cutting me down every chance she could. Or how I didn't trust her and I don't think I could let her into my world the way she was...

I think things hit a turning point when my grand dad died, and my dad was first diagnosed with kidney problems. Things got so bad at home, that I had to take a semester off. I had to go home to make sure things stayed okay at home...and it was a stressful time. And she wasn't supportive at all. Its like she couldn't understand that some things are more important that the little quibbles and arguments. I had to go home...my mom and my brother needed me there. My dad's health was deteriorating and everything just seemed like it was falling apart, and the last thing I needed was stupid arguments about nothing. She hardly called...its like she didn't even care. But she put up the front whenever she came around my family like she would always be there if they needed her...and I'm like...you're hardly there when I need you. I was your shoulder to cry on when you and your mom was beefin and she kicked you out for a min, and you can't even let some simple shit go when I have fam issues??? Really...thats how you feel...

Things just go so bad that we split up several times...and I hated the thought of breaking up to 'make up'. Relationships shouldn't be that way. I had this vision of what a relationship looked like, and we were the complete opposite. And then when I thought things were going fine and we were finally headed in the right direction...she decides that she wants to relocate halfway across the damn continent. No discussion, just a 'Charles, I'm moving to St. Louis for job reasons'. That's it. I tried my best to change her mind...did everything I could. I guess it was too little too late. I gave her every ounce of me I could to persuade her, and it wasn't enough. I remember that day at the airport like it was yesterday. I'm looking at her, telling her don't go...and that things can only get better...we can only get better...and that I've seen what things can look like if we both try and how great things could be...and that I chose us. She looked at me dead in my eyes, and was like 'I'm leaving for me. I'm leaving. Bye.' That was by far the coldest shit I've ever endured. And it was like I was in shock...I couldn't believe it. And it hit me so hard, that I couldn't even cry tears cause my mind wouldn't let me.

Relationship suicide. It's real. I think that subconsciously I wanted things to end, cause I couldn't live like that...having someone who's so sporadic and fleeting all the time. And it just killed me. Every day I was dying slowly, bleeding out watching as things were dying around me...thats how it felt. I was watching Office Space and one quote from that movie finally hit me..."every day is worst than the one before it, so the day you see me, that's actually the worst day of my life". I was like damn...sometimes I feel that way. I couldn't do it...but when things finally ended...that depression set in. I was questioning everything that happened...knowing it was all my fault. And it took a while for me to finally get over it and see things for what they really were. But you can never appreciate the bright and sunny days without the rain right? I've learned from my past and my mistakes, and that next relationship will be something special.

I would do things so much differently....I would do all the little things and not let the little stuff get to me. I would tell her how much I cared for her as often as possible. Make every time that we spend together memorable and special. I'll make her smile as much as I possibly can. I'll show her constantly that she's the center of my world. I refuse to let her pay for someone else's mistakes. I heard in a movie once that saying that you love someone is easy...any ass can do that. Its how you treat the ones that you say that you love what matters the most. And you're willing to do whatever it takes...whatever it takes...to make it work and thrive. And that's my mantra.

Whatever it takes.

Video Post of the Day: Brian McKnight - One Last Cry

My shattered dreams and broken heart are mending on the shelf...

The Confessions of a Nerd

Its not hard to guess that I'm a nerd. I mean, I tell people that all the time to warn them just in case I go off topic about something completely random and spew out facts and other knowledge that I feel is remotely pertinent. I do a good job of hiding it for the most part around certain people, but from time to time, it just jumps out. Its a past that I can't escape from, but one that I'm not really trying to do anymore. I hated the fact of being a nerd. And if you couple that with being the 'nice guy', you have a serious problem...especially growing up around people who don't quite get that.

So to get this out of the way first...*deep breath*...I was the epitome of nerd in elementary school and middle school. The big glasses, dorky clothes, the braces...yeah, that was me. I had all the elements of that dorky kid in your class. All the names...heard 'em all. Four eyes, coke bottles, brace face, metal mouth, dufus, dork, nerd, train track mouth, Steve Urkel...you name it, that was me. I have several pictures...none that I'm willing to post however, cause you don't need to see all that. But what I can tell you is that set the tone for my life up until this point right here though.

I knew from day one when I got my glasses in first grade that things were going to be difficult. I begged and pleaded with my mom telling her that I didn't want or need them...but it was kind of necessary. Couple the glasses with the braces and being the kid who sits up front and knows all the answers...not a good look. Making friends was hard cause everyone wanted to be 'cool' and being friends with the nerd ain't exactly the definition of cool. Picking on the nerds though somehow makes you cool...so I had to endure that. The bullies, the name calling, the lunch taking, the coming home and not wanting to go back to school...that was me.

So I guess to escape all of that, I started drawing. I mean, you can make up your own little world however you see fit...no people judging you based on looks...you could be who you want, and everything in that moment was perfect. I didn't play with all the other kids in the neighborhood so I just stayed inside and read books and watched tv. Thats what I did...and it worked up until a certain point.

Middle school came and I started noticing girls. But none of them noticed me. Why would they? Who's checking for the dorky nerd kid with the big ass glasses and braces? I tried talking to them...lets just say that it never went as planned. So I didn't talk to many people...except for a select group of friends that I had, some of which I still have. No need to spread wings and meet new people...I mean for what? For them to make an instant judgment on you solely based on how you look? Nah, I'm good on that..I'll stick to myself thank you. I guess thats where many of my ideals stem from though. How I envisioned that my life would be lonely and single, and I would just be so involved in work. That part has and is happening right now. How my views on relationships are, my views on trust and stability, everything. Its different for someone who has trouble making friends, cause the little things people take for granted, I cherish. But that's a post for another day...

Anyways, when I started high school, I saw this as a chance to reinvent myself. My braces came off that summer before 9th grade, and I finally convinced my mom to let me get contacts. I bought most of my own damn clothes cause my mom's sense of teenage fashion was quite dated. I was still the same person inside, but my outside changed. Some people didn't even recognize me the first day. Now I had people coming up to me wanting to talk to me, but they were nowhere to be found before. I didn't care...and still don't...cause I'm doing the same damn thing that I've always been doing...being that same nerd. I can care less about finicky friends who are so vested in the physical appearance. I'm not going to go as far as to saying I was that ugly duckling who matured into a swan type thing, but I made changes in myself cause I wanted to. The same bullies who used to pick on me when I was small, fragile looking and geeky...they didn't mess with me, cause I was bigger, and not a dork anymore. Are you really going to pick on the guy who runs track, plays basketball, is bigger than you now and gets straight As without trying? Really?

School and kids can be cruel. I know that first hand. I can't escape some of my pitfalls that I've been forced into becoming because of how I was then. I think I'll always be shy. I think that I'll always be reserved. I think that I'll for the most part be nonconfrontational. I think that I'll just always be that way, cause that's how I was growing up. I'm not going to be judgemental though because you never know how someone will turn out. I guess in a sense, this blog thing is a blessing in disguise. I doubt that I would have the courage to approach someone and tell them that I like them otherwise, unless I was forced or coerced into doing so. But because they can read my thoughts here first and see how I am on the inside, it works. It works. Too bad there's not really an easy way for kids to see how people are on the inside first before making other kids' childhoods a living hell.

Video Post of the Day: Usher - Think of You
Classic Usher...You can tell this is a bad boy video...shiny suits...explosions....wow. And is that the chick from Belly??

I Luv Ur Girl

There's this ill trend that's taking us males by storm...telling females that you know have a man or significant other that 'I can love you better than your man can'. I mean, really...you can't find any available women, so you have to try and take those that are in a relationship with someone else? I see guys in bars hitting on girls all the time knowing good and well that they have boyfriends/seeing someone/husband waiting for them at home.

You know who I blame though?? Music. Thats right, I took the easy way out...but its quite logical though, so hear me out. Count how many r&b and rap songs you hear on the radio/mp3 player/whatever that mention that you should leave your man and run away with me scenario. Hey Lover by LL Cool J, Let Me Love You by Mario, Can't Help But Wait by Trey Songz, I Luv Ur Girl by Dream, All The Things by Joe, Love In This Club Pt. 2 by Usher, Ya Man Ain't Me by Chris Brown, Satisfy You by Puff, Crying Out For Me by Mario...and the list goes on and on. People hear these songs and think that shit is socially acceptable...and its not. Some songs are okay though...like if your man is mistreating you at home, I can understand that. I'm sure a helper monkey could treat you better, so I get that. But then there are those stand up guys who are doing everything they can for you and are making sacrificies to make you happier and make it a worthwhile relationship, and you're out entertaining the thought of these guys. I'm not talking about every woman though, cause there are those who are stand up women who love their man with that undying love type thing...which is beautiful. But there are some who think that the grass is always greener elsewhere. I'm here to tell you that from afar anyone's lawn looks greener than the one you're in, but get closer, and they have their fair share of crab grass and weeds too.

And then there are some guys who feel insecure about it all. Like they don't want their woman out because they feel that everything with a Y chromosome is gonna try and hit on their girl. I guess that's understandable given the current climate, but you gotta get over those. This is how I look at it...if you're doing everything right and all the things that you should to make and keep your other happy, then you don't have nothing to worry about. And if she's still willing to entertain the thought and leave with someone else after you've made her as happy as you could, then thank her, cause she just did you a hell of a favor.

I don't want people to think I'm this relationship guru and that I have all the answers, because I'm not and I don't. I don't have a relationship...I'm just stating things as I see it. But I can tell you one thing though, if I did have a relationship, I would do everything that I could plus more to keep her happy. I wouldn't let a day go by without letting her know how I felt about her. I would be open with her about what's iggin' me (you remember that Chico DeBarge song?? Yeah...went back...) so we don't have the arguments about nothing and not addressing what's really bothering us. I wouldn't let a day go by without touching her...smiling at her...and cherishing every second I could with her, because you never know how long you have together. So you have to make those perfect moments last. I would do everything...everything plus more. And I wouldn't care if she went out to a place where alot of predatory guys are, because she would know that I would be waiting back at home for her...to make her day that much brighter.

But I digress....

So basically the moral of the story is: Women, just remember that there's someone at home waiting for you...unless you got a loser at home who doesn't treat you right...then leave his trifling ass cause you deserve better. And guys...get your own woman and leave the taken ones alone. And guys in relationships, let your woman breathe...that shit ain't hot keeping them all couped up because you have issues and what not. Get over your insecurities and get on your J.O.B. And if you're one of the wack ones mistreating your women...just remember...she'll leave you, then someone else will be luvin ur girl.


Video Post of the Day: Chico Debarge f/ Joe - No Guarantee
This was the jam back in the day...where the hell is Chico now??

Public Service Announcement: Outbreak of D'Evils

"Shit is wicked on these mean streets...none of my friends speak
We're all tryin' to win...but then again
Maybe its for the best though
Cause when they're seein' too much you know they're tryin to get you touched..."
-Jay-Z - D'Evils

Some of my 'friends' are infected with D'Evils. You probably know some friends who are suffering from the symptoms as well. They include:

Smiling in your face, but talking behind your back
Giving you the stink eye* for no damn reason sometimes.
*stink eye: the ill look of disapproval or disgust. eg.Always around when things are going good, never to be found in the worst of times
Giving you compliments when you're doing well, but secretly hating on you
Spreading rumors about you to break you down
Just being an asshole

If you or someone you know is suffering from such symptoms, talk to your local physician or a level headed friend immediately. There is only one known cure. Stop drinking this shit:

I know it may taste good...but the consequences are dire.

It seems as if when the weather gets warm, there's a sudden outbreak of D'Evils. You've probably seen them around and looked at them with disgust...and didn't even know they were infected. Those road ragin', mean spirited, evil ass mofo's...


Case in point: I had this one friend whom I used to hang out with from time to time cause I thought she was cool peoples. She used to get mad when I hung out with other friends or mutual friends without contacting her. I'm like yo...you're a needy ass friend. You need to make other friends...increase your circle of friends...so you won't be all up in my shit. I know that sounds cruel, but she would constantly call me asking me what I was up to, and if I knew if anything was happening on the weekends and blah blah blah. I'm like you know the same stuff about happenings at school as I do, you can go out by yourself, you don't need me to hang with you all the time. So when I started to get really serious about school and fell off the radar, things got stressed. It was like I was trying to maintain a relationship...but it wasn't one, and it would have never been one cause I never thought about her that way.

So I would always say hi to her when I saw her around and she would do the teeth sucking looking at me like I'm short kinda thing. I was like damn...that's how you feel? I tried to explain to her that I couldn't be her crutch cause school was pertinent, but she wasn't hearing it. So now she's talking to all the people that we mutually know and telling them to watch out for me because I like to cut friends off. At first I was mad...cause I was like you got no business talking ish about me, behind my back no less. But I thought about it...and she's right. I do cut friends off. I cut those fake ass friends off who are detrimental to my progress. I cut those friends off who's always....ALWAYS asking me for something. I cut those people off who are trying to bring me down. Hell yea I cut 'friends' off. Cause you're not a real friend anyways...infected with D'Evils.

Said hi to some woman yesterday who walked past me, she looked at me like I was stupid. Infected.

Let someone in today in traffic, but he continued to cuss at me through his window. I smiled back. Infected.

Evil ass texts from people I disassociate with....infected.

People who want to walk back in your life, and you know their reasons why...and it has nothing at all to do with your best interests...Infected.



D'evils are all around us. Heat makes people act crazy. I'm not a meteorologist, but I do know one things for sure....its gonna be a hot summer.

Shit is wicked on these mean streets....

Video Post of the Day: Nine - Whatcha Want
Wow....through the waaaaay back machine. What you want Nine?? Phat beats for my rhymes...mad clips for my nines...and ill posse and my name up in lights N.I.N.E....